Wuxiaworld > CHALLENGES OF PASTOR’S KID > 15 Chapter Fourteen: THE LOVE LIFE OF A PREACHER“S KID

15 Chapter Fourteen: THE LOVE LIFE OF A PREACHER“S KID



A Word Of Advice For The Preacher's Kid

One other major challenge you can have as a Pastor' Kid, which if you do not carefully handle can cause a major friction between you and your parents, is in the choice of a life partner. Your marital life is not only of interest to you, but it is also of vital interest to your parents and ultimately to God. So, you need to take serious care before making a choice.

The greatest challenge in making a choice may come from your parents, although they have good intentions. Besides your parents and God, everyone in church also feels they have a say in your relationship. All the elders and other pastors in the church begin to think that you need their endorsements before going ahead to ask for the hand of the person you love in marriage. It is even possible that some of them, because of your familiarity with them, begin to recommend a spouse for you, despite the fact that they never lived a day of their lives with you to know your likes and dislikes.

So many factors should be of great consideration in the final choice of who to marry, because you are now, in a sense, a public figure in your own little domain. Some of them are very important while some others are of less importance and look quite insignificant but still carry some weight in your final decision. More often than not, these factors which you feel are really not important may be the major determinant of your preacher-parent's acceptability of your choice in marriage.

One of such is in the relational attitude of your spouse-to-be with other members of the church. A partner that lives a controversial life or has personal issues or unresolved crisis with a number of people in your father's ministry or one whose lifestyle and beliefs contradict what your father preaches, may pose a serious threat to the success of your relationship than one who has a better relationship with others and who has a supportive doctrinal belief with your father, especially if you have been groomed to take over the ministry after your parents!

Whatever choice you make, always take it to God in prayers for confirmation before proceeding with your desires. The place of God's will cannot be downplayed. You are a minister's child, and should be careful in choosing for yourself. Allow God to lead you in making a choice. Every time a man makes choices outside God, he bears the consequences of his decision alone. If he is led by God, he makes the best choice of all available options.

WHAT TO LOOK OUT FOR IN YOUR CHOICE OF A LIFE PARTNER

1. SPIRITUAL MATURITY

The number one requirement of the spouse of a Pastor's Kid is that he/she must be spiritually sound. This is more important than every other, especially if you have a soft spot for the ministry and may end up therein in the future. Whoever must be your spouse must have a balanced spiritual life; anything less than this may spark a lot of controversies between you and your preacher-parents.


2. LOVE

The place of love cannot be overemphasized. You must love whoever you are going to marry. You should be careful not to fall into the temptation of getting engaged to someone who meets all of the qualifications of the church's marriage committee but meets very few or none of yours. You know what you want, and you should be in the best position to decide who you want. Do not be forced into someone else's mode.

Do not let someone cage you with the idea of "the will of God". If love is not there, it cannot be God, because God is love. Even if your parents make recommendations, make sure you are in love with their choice for you, or simply turn the offer down with respect.

Undertaking the task of searching for a spouse that will meet the qualification of, and that will be loved by every single person in your parent's ministry, may make the marriage become next to impossible. What is important is that you both love each other. It does not matter who else in church does not!

3. BEAUTY

Beauty is a major factor when making your considerations. You sure do not want to marry someone who is neither appealing to you in your privacy nor presentable to others at your public events. Although, all of God's creations are beautiful, but not all of these beautiful ones look beautiful to everyone; because beauty, as you know, is in the eyes of the beholder. So you must make sure that the person of your choice is beautiful in your eyes, and for peace's sake, in your parents'.

4. CHARACTER

Sincerely speaking, most Pastors' Kids will not have any issue with marrying a physically attractive spouse. By the virtue of their position in and relevance to the church, they naturally attract to themselves some of the most beautiful members of the opposite sex in their father's church, their father's friends' churches or in their immediate community.

Therefore, they will find it very easy to get someone with the outer beauty. However, possession of outer beauty has nothing to do with inner beauty. A lady may be very beautiful outwardly, but she needs to balance it inwardly. A young man may be very handsome physically but still behave like a monster. The major issue here will be the character. The determinant of your choice should not just be the facial attraction or shape and curves of the body alone, but more importantly the state of the heart. As a result of the privileged position you occupy, good character cannot be compromised. Beauty is really desirable but much more than beauty, character is the 'real' thing. The beauty is just an added icing on the cake.

Some of the characters to watch out for in your intending spouse, amongst others are submission to your parents, respect for members of your parents' church and the church doctrines, humility, teachability, charisma and submission to her spouse if she is a lady. These will help you decide if you are falling in love with just an attractive face, or with an innocent soul.

Once you can ascertain that your spouse-to-be possesses at least these qualities, he has the needed criteria to be a life partner. The only challenge after this is, What does God think about your choice, and what do your parents think about the same? These are the three important factors in the equation: God, your parents, and yourself. God's part is settled, yours also is settled, and it remains your parents.

SETTLING PARENTAL CONFLICTS IN YOUR CHOICE

Understand this; it is difficult for any parent, not just a preacher-parent, to fully trust their children to make some convincing destiny related choices without offering their unsolicited opinions. Although in reality, what most adult-children want is independence, but what most parents want is dependence. This is another issue that constantly causes disagreements between Preacher's Kids and their parents.

This is always most pronounced at the stage of making the choice of a life partner. If you are like most Pastors' Kids, you may be denied your freedom of emotional expression to love whoever you desire. Your parents may already have someone in mind whom they feel will be a better spouse to you. The problem is that they will refuse to disclose this to you until the time you finally decide to introduce to them the "found" love of your life. You will wonder for how long they have been nursing this intention and have successfully hidden it from you. What will surprise you most is that both of your parents have met several times over the issue and have reached a final conclusion about this aspect of your future without your involvement in the decision making or your consent on their choice.

There really is no problem in a father desiring the best for his child. The challenge is that most times, their choice for you will be very different from whom you desire for yourself in life. They will prefer that you marry another Pastor's child, or a pastor in the church, or someone with a calling into the ministry, or from the family of another member of the church who is so supportive of your parent's ministry. There is nothing wrong with this if it is okay with you, and if you have not gotten involved in any serious relationship yet. It only makes your task of making a godly choice very easy. However, this is not always the case.

It always becomes a very serious issue when you do not accept 'this' their choice for you and you fall in love with someone else. Their choice is always labeled God's choice for your life (and they may be right anyway). Therefore not yielding to their will is seen as disobedience, especially if the person of your choice does not fit into the mold of an ideal Pastor's Kid's husband/wife, as seen by your denomination.

When such contrary views arise as to whom to date, it cannot be settled by being stubborn or heady. It may demand a lot of maturity and patience from you. If you make your stand known, and you are not wavy in your opinion, things will likely work out the way you desire it, God willing!

At such a crucial time as this, both parties must be willing to come to the realization of their need for one another. Let there be a mature interdependence on each other. Let the child know there are things his parents have noticed about their choice which they feel is best for him and will make him a better person. Let the parents also know that such decisions cannot be taken without the full consent of the person in question. Let each party trust each other and also respect each other's opinion. Highlighted here are some of the steps you can take if such an issue arises.

1. Make a Wish List:

Write out a list of all the virtues you ever desire in a spouse which you have found in your choice. Be very comprehensive; add both physical and spiritual qualities. Ensure every good thing you have ever liked about your choice gets into the list.

2. Convince Yourself

You need to be sure you know what you are doing, and that you are not just fantasizing over vanities. So, go a step further to explain the reasons why you desire each of these virtues. It is possible to get easily carried away without knowing it. Convince yourself that you are not making a wrong choice by explaining the importance of each of these qualities, not just to your present, but to your future as well.

3. Compare With The Alternative

Compare the two options available to you by highlighting the virtues which the spouse your parents offer you lacks out of all the desired virtues. We are not trying to base our choice on human calculations, we are only trying to resolve the issue between you and your parents since both of you are already sure that your choice is God's choice. So it is a win-win situation; whichever way, you are in safe hands.

4. Open Up To Them

Show a copy of the first list to the one you are closer to of your parents and explain it to him/her. Let him/her know the things you desire in a life partner without revealing your choice to him/her. Based on this list, let him/her see the shortcomings of the one they are recommending to you. Tell him/her your fears in going into a relationship with such a person and let him/her join you in prayers. He/she may choose to add to the list or remove from it, but do not argue with any objections, just listen patiently to the argument.

This done, you will have scored a point with your parents. They now know that you really know what you want in life, you know what is best for you, and so you are matured enough to take thought-provoking decisions. This will gladden their hearts a lot, although they may not show it.

5. Present It To God

Prayerfully ask God to work on all the parties involved, your preference, their preference, you, and them. Pray that God touches the hearts of your parents to help you make the right choice. Pray that the right choice will be willing to patiently wait for you until your parents are convinced of the decision. Pray that whatever alternative which is not in God's best interest for you being offered you by anyone will not work out in their favor, no matter how hard they try. Pray also for yourself, that the Lord will take over your heart so that you will be ready to receive the best He has for you, whichever of the alternatives it may be.

6. Wait On God

Give God time to work on all the parties involved. Good things take time, so give it time. God does not do His things in a hurry, but He also does not do it late. He is aware of the pressure you are going through with regards to this case. At the right time, He will surface. He makes all things beautiful in His time.

7. Recommend Your Choice

If nothing happens in a few months after that, make your desired recommendation to your parents for prayers. By this time, if they really want the best for you, they will understand your fears, more importantly since the person, they have vouched for does not have most of the virtues you desire in a spouse and does not show any desire to improve and become the person you really desire.

8. Review The Benefits

Let them go through the list again and show them the reasons why your choice still seems preferable to you than theirs. Let them pray about it.

9. Involve A Mentor

If after all of these, they still insist on their choice for you, get someone they love and respect to talk to them about it, say, a fellow minister, a close friend of theirs, or their mentor.
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10. Let God Take Charge

Leave the rest to God. He makes all things beautiful in His own time.

LIVING WITH YOUR CHOICE

The divorce rate today in the Christian church is alarming, even among pastors. It looks as though God has closed His eyes on divorce and it does not matter much to Him whether one marries once or remarries multiple times over. This is not really encouraging. True marriage has no expiry date: it spans a lifetime, hence the popular saying at weddings; till death do us part! Irrespective of what society believes, God's standard cannot be compromised. One man and one woman is His recommendation, and so shall it remain.

Once you finally decide who to settle for, you and your spouse must make up your minds that there is no going back after marriage. Make up your mind to make it work. You do not have to look for reasons for divorce if what you want is to scatter the home; you will have as many as possible. If you must continually live together, you must jointly look for reasons why you must stay together on a daily basis. If your marriage fails, it will bring more reproach to God and much more shame to your parents and the church they oversee. The society may say divorce does not matter, but it is God who determines whether it does or not, and He still insists it does!

Before you tie the knots, you can change your mind for as many times as you choose to, although you need to be careful not to put yourself in such a situation. Once the knot is tied, both of you will have to decide on what to do to work it out successfully. You must be willing to respect one another's feelings from time to time and forgive one another as occasions demand.

Every relationship has its own challenges. Every marriage has its ups and down. There is no marriage that has ever succeeded without its own unique unbearable situation. Yours also may not be an exception. You will have some uncomfortable times at the home front which is not just unique to

Pastor's Kids alone. Your ability to face whatever challenges that come your way, selflessly and in unity, will keep both of you together beyond the period of these challenges. It will also help you to overcome those challenges easily and stresslessly.

A wise man once said that "there are three rings in every marriage, the engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the unpalatable ring". The first two rings are very admirable, but not the last one. Every marriage where the last one is not well handled always ends in divorce. If the two of you are not united, both at palatable times and at the challenging periods, it will be practically impossible to achieve great feats.

If both of you desire to stick together till the end, at the initial stage, you both should sit down and make a compilation of factors that you know which are likely to ruin your relationships and proffer solutions to them in advance.

Some of the things you will need to discuss in advance are:

1. Money management in marriage.

2. Sexual interactions with each other.

3. Timely crisis resolution.

4. What church to identify with after marriage, your father's or another.

5. If another, what shall be your level of commitment to your father's ministry.

6. What factors will determine what Church to attend.

7. Dealing with the in-laws.

8. Understanding the primary needs of each other, emotional, academic.

9. Career development for both of you.

10. Handling the opposite sex.

On a final note, whatever it will take, be faithful to your spouse. Infidelity scatters the home more than all other factors put together.